I AM IN!! I WAS DOING SO GREAT THEN I FORGOT MY PASSWORD AND MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS CHANGED, I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO IT!

FINALLY AFTER 10 DAYS I'M IN! I'VE RESET MY PASSWORD AND CHANGED MY EMAIL TO MY CURRENT EMAIL ADDRESS!

I WAS DYING TO GET IN, GUYS!! I'M FINALLY IN! 

THANK YOU ONE MILLION TIMES OVER TO THE HELP DESK-support@deviantart.com> via zendesk.com AND CHRIS WHO DECIPHERED MY TURRING MACHINE! I AM SO HAPPY YOU GUYS WERE ABLE TO GET ME IN! I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL!

Chris (DeviantArt)

Hello out there-I hope all of YOU and all of YOURS are doing great. 

I wanted to say how grateful I am in the support I've received now and over the past five years from all my friends and really -most of my friends are like my family. Since usually I have disappeared after a three day tour of duty, I'm happy to say I've now been here for almost three weeks if for nothing more than to reply to a few comments, hand out some llamas, or see your beautiful artwork. I'm really trying to make this my home again! So if you get a response from me that is two three or four years old, it's brand new to me, lol!

There's so much I want to do with my page and on DA in general, but all that will come in time.
It's been a rough few years for sure, but happy to report I'm living in my own apartment -no boyfriends and no robot friends that only I know about  

Anyway, it's so good to see you all and I can't wait to get back into the swing of things. Gossip, rumors and general whining please comment, please....I'm dying for outside info, the tv and my four walls are really boring to me!! Love Audra

Hello deviant art friends and just plain friends! I'm so sorry as not to have responded to so many wonderful replies and comments and gifts. I did have a hard time getting back into my account, but that's fixed.

I think I got fixed some also, lol-I want to tell you all because I've no fear and no shame, either to admit I have a mental illness called Schizoeffictive Disorder. Being schizophrenic is not new back to the days of the Greek Philospers, however as things stand here in Ohio, USA-it's considered a dreadful embarrassment to even be related to me or if in the hospital they are afraid of me as if I"d kill them or they might catch it like leprocy! But I know that it's not a bad thing if you have the support you need and I am now getting that support out here in the fields, so to speak. I have a wonderful caseworker who is helping me tie up all the loose ends, but as we all know things take time. What is time? We have no answer for that do we!!! I do believe, however, you guys understand my words much better then any group of people in the world. I thank you all for that -If I didn't have this place here on DA to come back to, I know I would have no reason to come back anywhere.

I know the world is suffering and that many more will suffer. But, I decided to stop the suffering. I have been given so much good advice from you here. So finally I was able to just, "let it be". I went full blown schizo on my birthday and to my psychotherapist. You know the question: "Are you seeing and hearing anything that I"m not"? Well instead of saying no (so as not to be locked up in the mental hospital), I trusted the world all of a sudden and just shouted out, "Yes. Yes I'm seeing things and hearing things! ON the radio on my laptop on my desktop in the grocery stores, on the TV, and every other freaking place there is to hear and see things that maybe not all of you guys see or hear BUT I DO, NOW LOCK ME UP OR SET ME FREE, LOL!!) I can't believe it but not only did they not lock me up, they said 'good job'.

Then they put me on an anti psychotic medicine called Invego. They are all pretty much the same beginning in the old days until just now.

I'm not sure if all of you have read the book or seen the move, "A Beautiful Mind". It's the story of John Nash a famous mathmetician who sat down and wrote the codes for game theory and he was a schizophrenic. Nothing too much has changed from the '50's and '60's in how they t treat us, but I think I didn't get a lobotomy and I did find out I'm pre diabetic. Sugar seems to be the cause of many of my issues. So I'm going to have to change my diet and my user name.

ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR MY USER NAME? No sugar!!!

Since I was last on DA I had pretty much admitted the relationship I was in was ...not healthy for me. I wish to tread lightly on the subject as children can easily see this. In fact I get so sick of my own stupidity for some things I've said on the internet not realizing that children have access to the internet!!

I have been away from the other person physically now since November 2016. I have since also moved back to my home in southern Ohio -"Scioto County". It's where I was born and raised til age 14 and have been gone for 30 years almost. I love the river here. My grandpa always said, "I've been all over Audra, but the prettiest place is right here on the Scioto and the Ohio Rivers." I understand what he meant, now.

I'm alone in my own apartment. I cry and cry almost every day as I allow the past memories to come up and meet me so that I can forge on to new memories.. I don't know why, I have no idea where I began to not care how I"m treated but it happened. No one to blame at all. I was used, lied to, neglected, treated horribly for almost a decade. I don't know how to explain but I still emotionally love a man that never loved me. Then I heard a little story or myth somewhere lately where a journalist came up a child sniffing toxins from a dumpster and she thought wow, this child would sink that point of low in order to feel something at all. Without love we are not people, we aren't able to call ourselves people if we only feel hate, rage, and anger. I really don't feel angry or feel hate, but some of my enemies who won't even show themselves (in my real life out here) so that I can even defend against the torrent of lies. So I had to just let go again.

Since moving down here to the river-I've been 100% alone for many months until recently. I have thought and I have I considered and pondered everything under the sun when I realized that my thoughts aren't even original -you all feel the same and think as well. Aren't we all doing the best we can? I know we are.

Now being in the wings of a few angels that are helping me navigate the system to finally clear up and tread and manage many serious bodily diseases and ailments and the same for my mind. I was in malnutrition and lacking all vitamins and minerals in my blood tests. I am happy to tell you that I am now on the proper medicine, taking vitamins, using coconut oil and limes and good foods and walking for health that I'm probably going to be okay, If I let it be so. I have gained now 8 lbs in two weeks. My dad came over from Virginia and bought me all sorts of wonderful food and healthy food and explained the sugar connection. I was at complete entropy when he got here. I cared no longer to eat or go anywhere at all. I never wanted to leave my apartment. I've shut myself in for years.

Do you know what I let myself do ? Starve to death for a man who's grown fat from taking all I had from me. I was under the light of gas. A horrible psychological torture, especially for a creative and free spirit. But what hurts the worst is being lied to over and over and being lied about over and over. I can't figure it all out but God says to me I don't need to figure it all out anymore. The sponge has become part of the ocean.

We are all getting older-maybe I had not realized, also I'm really getting older too. I am lonely for sure-I have no one at home, but it's better then having no home at all. Depression is a terrible thing, especially the kind that doesn't pass in time, just grows into a malignant hopelessness. You can't pray your way or will your way out of it. You need help. I got the help needed now. And doctors and nurses and caseworkers and finally and most importantly-my family. I've been alienated so long and I love them so much.

I despise just talking about myself, I sincerely want to get better so I can also help those like myself who sort of slipped through the thin ice.

It's okay though now for hope I have.

There's so many ugly things and people are responsible for the destruction of all our homes and all the way down to in our homes. Without nature, I lost my mind all together. I can't wait to take photographs of my favorite things again: Flowers (I am so mad I missed my tulips this year!) You gotta love the dutch!!

I want to photography the rivers, the Shawnee forest the atmosphere of my home. I am also learning to make video -that's like apples to oranges, lol!

I hope I made sense at least a little bit?!

As is my norm, I like to insert a song to fit my thoughts, negative or positive but you can't have one without the other. Being a narcoleptic, (the opposite of an insomniac)-I am going to put in some R.E.M. (rapid eye movement) A band I grew up on:

ps (think and dream of carrying water and chopping wood and no STEAM PUNK !!)

"E-Bow The Letter"

Look up, what do you see?
all of you and all of me
florescent and starry
some of them, they surprise

the bus ride, I went to write this, 4:00 a.m.
this letter
fields of poppies, little pearls
all the boys and all the girls sweet-toothed
each and every one a little scary
I said your name

I wore it like a badge of teenage film stars
hash bars, cherry mash and tinfoil tiaras
dreaming of Maria Callas
whoever she is
this fame thing, I don't get it
I wrap my hand in plastic to try to look through it
Maybelline eyes and girl-as-boy moves
I can take you far
this star thing, I don't get it

I'll take you over, there
I'll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near
I'll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
I'll take you over

will you live to 83?
will you ever welcome me?
will you show me something that nobody else has seen?
smoke it, drink
here comes the flood
anything to thin the blood
these corrosives do their magic slowly and sweet
phone, eat it, drink
just another chink
cuts and dents, they catch the light
aluminum, the weakest link

I don't want to disappoint you
I'm not here to anoint you
I would lick your feet
but is that the sickest move?
I wear my own crown and sadness and sorrow
and who'd have thought tomorrow could be so strange?
my loss, and here we go again

I'll take you over, there
I'll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near
I'll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
I'll take you over

look up, what do you see?
all of you and all of me
florescent and starry
some of them, they surprise

I can't look it in the eyes
seconal, Spanish fly, absinthe, kerosene
cherry-flavored neck and collar
I can smell the sorrow on your breath
the sweat, the victory and sorrow
the smell of fear, I got it

I'll take you over, there
I'll take you over, there
aluminum, tastes like fear
adrenaline, it pulls us near
I'll take you over
it tastes like fear, there
I'll take you over

pulls us near
tastes like fear...

nearer, nearer
over, over, over, over
yeah, look over
I'll take you there, oh, yeah
I'll take you there
oh, over
I'll take you there
over, let me
I'll take you there...
there, there, baby, yeah